25 Rules for Mothers of Sons

As the mom of a boy, I often marvel at the differences between the sexes!  Although I don’t always understand him, I adore my son and wouldn’t trade him for the world!  I was so touched by this amazing rules for any mom of a boy.  Please check it out and pass it on!  -KSW

25 Rules for Mothers of Sons

By Tab Studer

Inspired by a Pin I’ve recently seen about “rules for dads with daughters,” I went searching for a similar list for moms with sons.  This search was mostly fruitless, so I was inspired to write my own Rules for Moms with Sons.  Granted, my list will not be conclusive and may not be entirely uncontroversial.  So agree, or disagree, or take with a grain of salt – but I hope to inspire other moms who are loving, and struggling, and tired, and proud, and eager to support the boys in their lives.  You are the most important woman in his life, his first teacher, and the one he will look to for permission for the rest of his life.  From “Can I go play with them?” to “Should I ask her to marry me?”  Its a big job, but as the mumma, we’re up for it.

1. Teach him the words for how he feels.

Your son will scream out of frustration and hide out of embarrassment.  He’ll cry from fear and bite out of excitement.  Let his body move by the emotion, but also explain to him what the emotion is and the appropriate response to that emotion for future reference.  Point out other people who are feeling the same thing and compare how they are showing that emotion.  Talk him through your emotions so that someday when he is grown, he will know the difference between angry and embarrassed; between disappointment and grief.

2. Be a cheerleader for his life
There is no doubt that you are the loudest person in the stands at his t-ball games.  There is no doubt that he will tell you to “stop, mom” when you sing along to his garage band’s lyrics.  There is no doubt that he will get red-faced when you show his prom date his pictures from boy scouts.  There is no doubt that he is not telling his prom date about your blog where you’ve been bragging about his life from his first time on the potty to the citizenship award he won in ninth grade.  He will tell you to stop.  He will say he’s embarrassed.  But he will know that there is at least one person that is always rooting for him.

3. Teach him how to do laundry
..and load the dishwasher, and iron a shirt.  He may not always choose to do it.  He may not ever have to do it.  But someday his wife will thank you.

4. Read to him and read with him.
Emilie Buchwald said, “Children become readers on the laps of their parents.”  Offer your son the opportunity to learn new things, believe in pretend places, and imagine bigger possibilities through books.  Let him see you reading…reading the paper, reading novels, reading magazine articles.  Help him understand that writing words down is a way to be present forever.  Writers are the transcribers of history and memories.  They keep a record of how we lived at that time; what we thought was interesting; how we spoke to each other; what was important.  And Readers help preserve and pass along those memories.

5. Encourage him to dance.
Dance, rhythm, and music are cultural universals.  No matter where you go, no matter who you meet – they have some form of the three.  It doesn’t have to be good.  Just encourage your son that when he feels it, it’s perfectly fine to go ahead and bust a move. 
6. Make sure he has examples of good men who are powerful because of their brains, their determination, and their integrity.
The examples of men with big muscles and a uniform (like Batman and LaMarr Woodley) will surround your son from birth.  But make sure he also knows about men who kick a$s because of their brains (Albert Einstein), and their pen (Mark Twain), and their words (Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.), and their determination (Team Hoyt), and their ideas (The Wright Brothers), and their integrity (Officer Frank Shankwitz), and fearlessness (Neil Armstrong), and their ability to keep their mouths closed when everyone else is screaming (Jackie Robinson).

7. Make sure he has examples of women who are beautiful because of their brains, their determination, and their integrity
The examples of traditionally beautiful women (like Daphne BlakePrincess Jasmine, and Britney Spears) will surround your son from birth.  But make sure he knows about women who are beautiful from the inside out because of their brains (Madame Marie Curie), and their pen (Harper Lee), and their words (Eleanor Roosevelt), and their determination (Anne Sullivan), and their ideas (Oprah Winfrey), and their integrity (Miep Gies), and fearlessness (Ameila Earhart), and their ability to open their mouths and take a stand when everyone else is silent (Aung San Suu Kyi).

8. Be an example of a beautiful woman with brains, determination, and integrity.
You already are all of those things.  If you ever fear that you are somehow incapable of doing anything – remember this:  If you have done any of the following:  a) grew life b) impossibly and inconceivably got it out of your body c) taken care of a newborn d) made a pain go away with a kiss e) taught someone to read f) taught a toddler to eat with a utensil g) cleaned up diarrhea without gagging h) loved a child enough to be willing to give your life for them (regardless if they are your own) or i) found a way to be strong when that child is suffering...you are a superhero.  do not doubt yourself for one second.  Seriously.

9. Teach him to have manners
because its nice.  and it will make the world a little better of a place.

10. Give him something to believe in
Because someday he will be afraid, or nervous, or heartbroken, or lost, or just need you, and you won’t be able to be there.  Give him something to turn to when it feels like he is alone, so that he knows that he will never be alone; never, never, never.

11. Teach him that there are times when you need to be gentle
like with babies, and flowers, and animals, and other people’s feelings.

12. Let him ruin his clothes
Resolve to be cool about dirty and ruined clothes.  You’ll be fighting a losing battle if you get upset every time he ruins another piece of clothing. Don’t waste your energy being angry about something inevitable.  Boys tend to learn by destroying, jumping, spilling, falling, and making impossible messes.  Dirty, ruined clothes are just par for the course.

13. Learn how to throw a football
or how to use a hockey stick, or read music, or draw panda bears (or in my case alpacas), or the names of different train engines, or learn to speak Elvish, or recognize the difference between Gryffindor and Slytherin, or the lyrics to his favorite song.  Be in his life, not as an observer but as an active participant.

14. Go outside with him

turn off the television, unplug the video games, put your cellphone on the charger, even put your camera away.  Just go outside and follow him around.  Watch his face, explore his world, and let him ask questions.  It’s like magic.

15. Let him lose

Losing sucks.  Everybody isn’t always a winner.  Even if you want to say, “You’re a winner because you tried,” don’t.  He doesn’t feel like a winner, he feels sad and crappy and disappointed.  And that’s a good thing, because sometimes life also sucks, no matter how hard (as moms) we try to make it not suck for our kids.  This practice will do him good later when he loses again (and again, and again, and again, and again…..)  Instead make sure he understands that – sometimes you win – sometimes you lose.  But that doesn’t mean you ever give up.

16. Give him opportunities to help others

There is a big difference in giving someone the opportunity to help and forcing someone to help.  Giving the opportunity lights a flame in the heart and once the help is done the flame shines brighter and asks for more opportunities.  Be an example of helping others in your own actions and the way your family helps each other and helps others together. 

17. Remind him that practice makes perfect.

This doesn’t just apply to performance-based activities (like sports and music) but also applies to everything in life.  You become a better writer by writing.  You become a better listener by listening.  You become better speaker by speaking.  Show your son this when he is just young enough to understand (that means from birth, folks – they are making sense of the world as soon as they arrive), practice trick-or-treating at your own front door before the real thing.  Practice how you will walk through airport security before a trip.  Practice how you order your own food from the fast food cashier.  Practice, practice, practice.

18. Answer him when he asks, “Why?”

Answer him, or search for the answer together.  Show him the places to look for the answers (like his dad, or grandparents, or his aunts/uncles, or his books, or valid internet searches).  Pose the question to him so he can begin thinking about answers himself.  Someday, when he needs to ask questions he’s too embarrassed to ask you – he’ll know where to go to find the right answers.

19. Always carry band-aids and wipes on you.

especially the wipes.

20. Let his dad teach him how to do things

…without interrupting about how to do it the ‘right way.’  If you let his dad show and teach and discover with your son while he is growing up, some day down the road (after a short period of your son believing his dad knows nothing), he will come to the realization that his dad knows everything.  You will always be his mother, but in his grown-up man heart and mind, his dad will know the answers.  And this will be how, when your son is too busy with life to call and chat with his mom,  you will stay connected to what is happening in his life.  Because he will call his dad for answers, and his dad will secretly come and ask you.

21. Give him something to release his energy

drums, a pen, a punching bag, wide open space, water, a dog.  Give him something to go crazy with – or he will use your stuff.  and then you’ll be sorry.

22. Build him forts

Forts have the ability to make everyday normal stuff into magic.  Throw the couch cushions, a couple blankets, and some clothespins and you can transform your living room into the cave of wonders.  For the rest of his life, he’ll be grateful to know that everyday normal stuff has the potential to be magical.

23. Take him to new places

Because it will make his brain and his heart open up wider, and the ideas and questions and memories will rush in.

24. Kiss him

Any mother of sons will tell you that little boys are so loving and sweet.  They can be harsh and wild and destructive during most of the day.  But there are these moments when they are so kind and sensitive and tender.  So much so that it can cause you to look around at the inward, reserved grown men in your life and think, ‘what happens in between that made you lose that?’  Let’s try to stop the cycle by kissing them when they’re loving and kissing them even more when they’re wild.  Kissing them when they’re 2 months and kissing them when they’re 16 years old.  You’re the mom – you can go ahead and kiss him no matter how big he gets – and make sure he knows it.   p.s. (this one is just as important for dad’s too). 

25. Be home base

You are home to him.  When he learns to walk, he will wobble a few feet away from you and then come back, then wobble away a little farther and then come back.  When he tries something new, he will look for your proud smile.  When he learns to read, he will repeat the same book to you twenty times in a row, because you’re the only one who will listen that many times.  When he plays his sport, he will search for your face in the stands.  When he is sick, he will call you.  When he really messes up, he will call you.  When he is grown and strong and tough and big and he feels like crying, he will come to you; because a man can cry in front of his mother without feeling self-conscious.  Even when he grows up and has a new woman in his life and gets a new home, you are still his mother; home base, the ever constant, like the sun.  Know that in your heart and everything else will fall into place.

15 Comments

  1. Christy on January 6, 2012 at 8:45 pm

    This is absolutely the most wonderful post ever. Thank you. Truly beautiful and so very true. Thank you!

  2. Life As Wife on January 7, 2012 at 2:17 am

    I have a 10-month old little man and this post? Brilliant. Thanks for the laughs and tears!

  3. Anonymous on January 7, 2012 at 2:51 am

    so very lovely. Thank you!

  4. scooperga on January 7, 2012 at 4:25 pm

    I agree with all of them. What a wonderful post. I loved the one on building forts. My family room was always turned into a fort and many pictures and wall art
    were damaged from those days, but it never made me say no to the next day of fort building.
    Stephanie Cooper

  5. Anonymous on January 7, 2012 at 4:25 pm

    Absolutely wonderful! Thank you so much for sharing! You are brilliant!

  6. Anonymous on January 9, 2012 at 10:16 pm

    Beautiful post, Kimberly! I'm not a mom, but my sisters are mothers to boys and I sent this post to them. Thank you.

  7. Anonymous on January 10, 2012 at 3:06 am

    This has touched my heart! With having a 6 month old little boy I can already see how they all relate to me! I just want to go kiss him now!

  8. Beth, Cody, Morgan, Pepper on January 11, 2012 at 5:49 pm

    Thank you so much for making that list. My son and first born is just about to turn five. I always wanted a baby girl but was first blessed with a boy and I wouldn't trade him for the world. He is crazy, intense and wild but has the sweetest most sensitive soul. I will keep this list close and remind myself of your good advice when my little man drives me crazy!

  9. Jen on January 13, 2012 at 1:51 am

    My son is 2 1/2, and I have learned everything you stated in your post, but I don't believe I could have said it as well. Thank you for the affirmation. I will pass this along.

  10. Anonymous on January 14, 2012 at 3:22 am

    I am a 29 year old man. This post was so touching it made me cry (Even though I'm watching The Bourne Supremacy!). Each point made me think of all the things through my life my mom has done for me and made me smile even more. They're all absolutely true. So if you're a new mom of a little boy, just know that we sons will always love you because we know you have always been there for us.

  11. . on January 14, 2012 at 2:01 pm

    I loved this post. I'm sure many of us were "checking the list" to see how many we "got right"…okay maybe that's just me. I shared it on my facebook business page at "magnoliaetiquette". Thank you for such an inspirational read.

  12. Anonymous on January 16, 2012 at 3:27 pm

    This is beautiful, brought tears to my eyes my son is 33 with his own family and 2 little boys . It made me think back how beautiful it was raising him. Now it' there time To have this adventure.Embrace it and enjoy every minute it goes to fast. It's the best !

  13. BBT on January 16, 2012 at 6:18 pm

    An excellent list! Thank you!

  14. Anonymous on January 16, 2012 at 6:38 pm

    Beyond amazing. My son is 23 and after reading this I believe that you have nailed this. I feel that I hit most of these points and I have an amazing son to show for it. I love the kissing point. My son knows that I get a kiss when he comes in and when he leaves. Thank you for sharing these points for all of us lucky enough to have sons and for those who may be blessed with one in the future.

  15. Anonymous on September 7, 2012 at 4:03 am

    Wow, I have tears in my eyes after reading this post…thank you! So proud to me a mommy:)

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